A socket in time saves hours

Sometimes I wonder about the competence of car designers. There's always some glaringly inept features which seem to have got by the testing process, whether this is in the usability or the fixability (to adjust the fan belt on one car I owned, meant cutting a hole in the inner wing panel). I've just been fitting a towbar to my Renault. Holes were already drilled for the bar to be bolted to the main chassis and apart from having to grind off some extraneous metal (and tapping out a hole which hadn't been threaded properly) it went quite well.
However, reading the fitting instructions for the wiring hinted that this part of the process might not be so straightforward. In the olden days, one just snapped on a scotchblock to each of the wires to the lights (rear, indicators etc) and fed the wire to the towbar socket. A matter of minutes. Now, with the relays, bus systems and ICUs of modern cars, this is not possible. So I purchased the fabricated 'plug in' wiring for my particular make & model and expected to plug it in. The first step was to remove the lining panels in the rear and then, surprisingly the lower panels along the leftside to the front. It turns out that one has to run a wire all the way from the rear to the battery at the front! Huh? Not only is is neigh impossible to get a wire into the engine compartment (I used the bonnet release wire to drag through the wire) but threading it through the sills was a nightmare. Now, come on Renault designers ... you drilled holes in the chassis and even a pushout plate to feed the wires out to the towbar socket, but failed to add a power wire to drive the electronics necessary to install the trailer lighting. I was not impressed!

Location, location, height

The location of a business is often an important factor in its success, especially in catching the passing trade. But this probably doesn't apply to dentists .... I wonder how many people are walking along the street, see a dentist practice and think "I'd better get that tooth fixed today". Firstly, it's not usually an impulse buy and secondly, the chance of getting seen by a dentist within a month is pretty slim! However, according to a dentist I met the other day, whether the practice is on the ground floor is of great importance. I won't go on about the sheer stupidity of the NHS contract for dentists, but one service that does attract a decent number of 'points' (yes, points means that the dentist gets paid if they amass the required number during the year) are dentures and who tends to have these? .... yes, the elderly ... who often prefer not to climb stairs. The dentist in question assured me that he (on the ground floor) gets nearly all the denture work of the practice, whilst the two dentists upstairs are left "drilling and filling" and missing out on the points!

A courgette by another name

Whilst buying some vegetables in 'Asia Stores' today, I came across one of the best misspellings for a long time. As English is not the first language for most of the staff in the shop, it's not unusual for the odd letter to be added or missing, such as 'tomatoe', but "corjet"? Does it matter? I certainly knew what it meant, although the sight of the vegetable in the box did give a clue. Perhaps the spelling comes from the SMS dictionary, who knows.

It reminded me of a radio programme a few weeks back, where an academic was arguing that the English language was so full of irregular words that it was hampering the development of children. Apparently research suggests that many children will avoid writing as they are afraid of being mocked when getting the spelling wrong. Although I expect that doesn't apply to txt-ing! The solution, according to the speaker, was to regularise English. (I wonder what happened to Esperanto?). Why stop there, we could puree all the children's food to avoid lumps (no chewing required) and the sight of vegetables, and push them about in buggies (in case of lumps in the pavement)! A true Nanny state.

The mouse in the canoe who went to the zoo

The mouse in the canoe
Went to the zoo
To see the gnu
Who had flu.
“How do
You
Do”
Said the mouse in the canoe
To the gnu
In the zoo.
“I’ve got flu”
Said the gnu.
“I have too”
Said the kangaroo
On his way to
Join the queue
For the porta-loo.
“I blame the cockatoo
Who
Just flew
In from Peru”
Said the gnu.
“Who
Knew
That the cockatoo
Had been in Peru?”
Said the mouse in the canoe.
“There's a notice on view
In aviary No. 2,
Next to
The new
Shed in blue”
Said the gnu
Blowing in a tissue.
“It’s true”
Coo’d
The parrot in blue
Also going for a poo
In the porta-loo.
“Woo,
See you!”
Said the mouse in the canoe
Remembering that he needed some glue
To
Fix a hole in his Soux
Canoe
Before the strong winds blew.

Geoffrey Ellis
May 2009

I've been carrying around the "mouse in the canoe, went to the zoo, to see a gnu" rhyme for a while, then in light of the recent swine flu panic-demic I completed the story. Look out for more "the mouse in the ..." stories!
Revised 6 May - A couple of changes since posting last night